How To Help Your Child Or (Pre)teen Navigate The World Of Beauty And Cosmetics

I wanted to start a short series here. Today I'll be talking about the psychological and parenting side of things, in the next posts I'll go into concrete tips for skin, hair and yes, makeup too.

The keys are: model, explain, introduce, joyful movement

Model your (beauty) values, keep your dark side to yourself

Kids copy what we do, not what we preach -- this is probably the biggest truth of parenting. Kids even copy things from their parents that they don't approve of on the conscious level (a child that is yelled at or intimidated often behaves the same way to others).

As parents we should pay really close attention to what values we model in our everyday life, and even when it comes to beauty and and even when it comes to beauty and body image and body care. Personally I model using makeup and clothes playfully but not having any problems going out without makeup and not dressed up. I model wearing clothing that is appropriate towards the situation. I model caring for the body and talking lovingly about it. I model feeling happy about a pretty skirt, my hair or my legs. With model I mean visible behaviour, which might be as simple as saying that I like how my hair looks. And it works -- I said that I like my butt a lot, and my daughter asked me "in spite of having that weird skin on it?" (I've got keratosis pillaris) and I was like "yes, the skin is weird there but I still like my butt" and she was "oh, cool".

I do my best never to complain in the presence of my children about my appearance, my those of another person, unless it is a loving and kind statement or is health-related. I try to talk as little as possible in terms of looks and more in in terms of what my body can do. I recently called out a friend for complimenting a teen on looking slimmer, as such a compliment carries heavy connotations (not being slim before, slim being good and not bad, the possibility of not being slim in the future).

Now comes the question: shouldn't we be frank with our kids? I don't actually accept my body 100%, probably not even 50%. And I do often apply makeup to hide what I think are my flaws. I often feel too fat. Shouldn't I be frank with my kids? The answer is -- there is a time for everything, and the time for being completely frank with your kids comes when they aren't kids any more. It's our responsibility to pass on the light, sunny parts of ourselves, the parts that are worth passing on. Our strengths, not our weaknesses. If you need to pour out your heart to someone, find someone of your own size (and age).

And on that note -- if you read beauty and fashion magazines (I do), keep them out of the reach of children and teens. I still remember the impact that fashion magazines had on me (I bought them because I didn't have anyone to teach me about beauty and makeup), and the self-scrutiny I subjected myself to after reading them. On the topic of self scrutiny -- it's best to keep a full-length mirror out of a child's room as long as possible, so as to allow them to be in their body and not scrutinise themselves of outside. A smaller mirror is enough, or at least a mirror in a corner where the child or pre-teen isn't confronted with it dozens of times in the day.

Talk with your kids, listen to them

Answer their questions, and grab chances to explain things. When your kid asks you why o you are putting on lipstick, you can say that you like this pretty colour and sometimes you like to paint your lips with it. If they are interested in your skin and hair routine, you can give them some simple tips that will stay with them for life -- that hair needs to be brushed gently otherwise it will get damaged, that you are cleansing your skin to get the dirt off. When kids have information, they are less likely to destroy their hair or skin when they start experimenting. If your kid asks why you are doing something, you can explain that you like it this way right now, or that your skin or hair need it, but it's also ok not to do it (for eg -- I'm shaving my legs because I like how that looks and feels, some women choose to shave theirs and others choose not to).

Be the one who introduces them to the world of self-care and cosmetics

If you won't be their first teacher, someone else will be.
When you child breaches the idea that they would like to venture in the world of beauty, take them seriously, listen, and then guide them. The worst thing you can do is say "you're way too young, anyway children shouldn't use cosmetics, go out and play". Then the next time they are curious about lipstick they won't ask you any more, they might buy something horrible and wear it outside of the home.

The first questions of a child might be tentative -- maybe they'll mention that they don't like that they don't like the way how their legs feel dry and rough, which is your cue to introduce moisturising. Maybe they'll ask to try your lipstick, in this case when you take them seriously and let them try it on (or even help them apply it properly), they'll look at themselves in the mirror, and very often that will be it for a long while. Probably they just want to try it on like they try on your shoes or your glasses. If they do express interest in actually wearing lipstick, you can tell them that lipstick looks weird on kids but you can pick up a nice lip balm (together with them) with a tiny bit of sheen to it. And -- please take your boys as seriously as you take your girls. Kids of both genders are interested in what both of the parents do, try to copy them. And often boys love beautiful things but have so much less opportunities to wear them, and are shot down when they express interest in their body or pretty things.

Allow them to make little choices -- to wear their hair short or long (both genders), jewellery. You can always try distracting them and steering them -- if nail polish isn't something you want your kid to wear, why not shop for nail stickers together? Or maybe metallic transfer-tattoos will satisfy their urge to adorn themselves?

 My mom told me pretty early on that she won't prohibit me to wear makeup because hers did, so she applied makeup on the staircase when she went out. 

One difficulty I had was pulling my kids away from the garish child-marketed conventional products with pirates and unicorns plastered all over them, and steering them away towards organic or at least those free from toxic chemicals. The first step was through the nose -- my daughter agreed that the gentle, close-to-real-flowers scents of natural cosmetics were nicer than the strong perfume of most conventional stuff. Than we talked about cruelty-free, and about decorating the containers with stickers. My son, who is a bit of a little scientist, enjoyed helping me mix his own lip balm (beeswax, oil and an essential oil, he loved smelling all the essential oils to pick one he liked). I feel like many kids have a much better understanding of things when they can take part in actually making it.

Help your child experience joyful movement and their senses

Every human should find a way to move their body in a way that brings joy. Joyful movement helps us accept and like our body, it also helps us be more in our bodies. Modern culture has people living in their head, and children are pulled out of their body into their head earlier and earlier.

For one child this could be martial arts, for another ballet, or break dance, circus, or kids yoga. It's really important that the child enjoy what they do, ideas like "I'll send her to ballet to improve their posture" might fix their posture, but might turn them off moving and accepting their body if the discipline and self-scrutiny in ballet is something they enjoy. Also don't put your child into anything competitive unless your child themselves expresses and interest in competing -- competitions can really take the focus of being in the moment, and can put a lot of mental pressure on kids.

Don't be afraid to look for unusual classes -- I know primary-school kids who aren't sporty but fell in love with belly dancing or Capoeira!

I also often see kids starved of sensory experiences -- I won't talk in detail about the "symptoms" on here, but city kids get too few chances to develop their senses. To walk barefoot, to whittle wood, to felt or knit, to really sing, to knead dough is to learn how our bodies let us experience the world.

So that's all for now from me. In case you're curious, my kids are in the third and the sixth grade. I'd love it if you shared your own experiences as a child or having children, ask questions or share your tips.

In the next posts I'll be giving concrete tips about how to care for hair and skin of kids, and I'll touch into the topic of makeup as well.

Photo credit: Diego Rosa

Packing Light With Small Kids

Here is a post that I wrote a while back, but it got buried in all the drafts that I didn't get around to publishing. I though it might be useful for someone, so here you go:

   When we backpacked to Turkey, our kids were 2 and 4. On the way we got into a conversation with some Americans and Aussies, who mentioned that traveling with kids is hard "because you need to carry all that stuff." This perplexed me and my husband a little, because this was all the baggage we had with us:

One of these is a carry-on.

  The personnel at the airport was also quite surprised that we had only one bag to check in. The big pack weighed only 10kg. Half of the smaller one was with food and water for the journey. Apart from this me and my husband had a messenger bag each. The kid stuff took up very little space, the bulkiest stuff was the electronics and the chargers / batteries. And the pretty stones my guy collects.

So what did we pack for the kids?


* Clothes:
    I packed 3 short-sleeved tops, 3 long-sleeved tops, 3 shorts and 3 long trousers for each kid. If we had planned to stay in one place we would have needed less, but being on the road constantly meant fewer laundry opportunities, and changes of climate. Each kid also had a jacket, 4 pairs of socks, 1 pair of sturdy shoes and one tiny towel. The small guy had a bib. The bib is very important if you don't wash a shirt after every meal. BTW I did laundry in the sink most days. I carefully choose the lightest clothes they owned (my fav are those lightweight cargo pants from HM)

* Sleeping bag
      For the small guy, who just cannot stay under the blanket.

* Toys:
     I had one zip-loc bag full of little toys and little books. No, the kids didn't miss their toys: they had plenty of excitement on the trip. I also believe in letting the kids get bored a little bit, so that they aren't distracted from their environment. Also, in case we needed more playthings it would have been easy to buy the most gorgeous handmade stuff for very cheap in every souvenir store. In a pinch I whip out my diary and make origami or draw airplanes for them while we wait for a meal or the bus.
In Turkey whenever the kids didn't want to walk, I'd tell them to look out for the cats. In Istanbul there are cats at literally every corner, so that worked pretty well.

Find the cat

 

* Food:
    I had one lunch-box where I usually had some small fruit, nuts, or leftovers. I tried to always have a couple of bananas or apples as an emergency snack.

*Diapers and Hygiene:
     I was half-way to toilet-training small guy before the trip, sigh. If only I had started a month earlier... anyway we tried to buy the smallest available packs of diapers. We don't use talcum because of the health concerns. In case of nappy rash (which so far never happened) I would have used one of the oils in my cosmetic case, so I didn't bring any cream. The kids shared our soap and shampoo.

* Baby Carrier:
     We are huge fans of the Ergo baby carrier. It is light, rolls up small, is comfortable for the carrying person, and most importantly it keeps the kid in a healthy position (with a curved spine and the legs in a frog position, not hanging down from the crotch with the legs straight down like in the Björn --- which by the way was declared unsuitable for use by a recent Öko Test because this position pushes the leg bone out of the hip socket with every step).

* Other stuff:
     Tooth brushes, passports, health insurance papers and vaccination cards.

    In my days of traveling with a baby I would also pack a burp cloth, a sippy cup or a Sigg bottle with the sport nozzles, two changing pads (the disposable kind, they can be reused) and probably a sling (I had a Diddymos) which also doubles as a nursing screen and a blanket. We didn't use formula, bottles or pacifiers, so we don't own the extra stuff involved.


Obviously we were lucky that none of our kids needs special medical equipment, it's obviously a completely different story if you need to haul necessary stuff like that on every trip.
Still, my experience taught me that small kids are more flexible than we give them credit for, and actually need very little material things. They do need lots of attention though. Also, a little boredom is good for them, as that's the space where the child starts being creative. Sometimes a child needs a small nudge -- asking them questions about the things around them or giving them small tasks can help them give attention to the world around them, and learn to enjoy museums sight-seeing trips and concerts.
And you probably can leave the kitchen sink at home.

Talking About Body Image And Makeup To Little Girls (And little Boys)

    This post is not just for moms (or dads). If you have a niece, or nephew, or other little people, you should read this.

    My daughter is in primary school, a bouncy mix of a toddler and a little lady. She observes me when I do things, and I know that she unconsciously sucks it all up like a sponge. Things that we see our parents doing when we are small imprint themselves hugely on our impressionable subconscious mind. Patterns picked up at this age will show up later in life, even if we rationally don't approve of them.

   I have to admit that teaching positive body image to my little girl has more to do with fake-it-till-you-make it than honesty. I do not talk about my body insecurities in front of her (yet). My own mother had an eating disorder, but I am extremely lucky that she kept it to herself and did not pass on her insecurities to me. Other than that she never ate together with the rest of the family, I didn't catch on till I was much older. My first exposure to body-hate came much later, as a teen, through women's magazines. I am really thankful that I went through childhood without giving my appearance much thought.
   I want to give my kids a strong sense of self as a foundation, and shield her from certain things till they is slightly bigger.

So here is what I do:

   Or rather, what I try to do. It's an imperfect process. Both my kids are in the stage where they are still learning primarily by imitation, but will soon grow into the phase where they learn learning through the intellect. This means that I try my best to teach by modelling positive behaviour and the discussions that we have are still short and simple.

* I talk about all the things that bodies can do.

    Bodies are for doing things and not for looking pretty. They are for jumping, for running, for lifting things, for playing. Legs let us run fast, and if we run every day we can run even faster and for longer distances. Thighs support the whole body. Muscles are amazing,they get stronger when they are used.
   I resist the urge to tell my girl ten times a day how pretty she is (this is why), instead I tell her she looks happy or glowing. Or we talk about dinosaurs. 

* I wear makeup because...

    "Why are you doing this?" is the most common question I get, whether I'm tweezing my eyebrows or applying mascara. My answers usually go something like: "because I like the way it looks", "because this colour is pretty", "because it's fun". I don't want to say something like: "because I look awful without it" or "because it makes my cheeks look less chubby". I think it's way to early for her to start wondering if her own cheeks are too chubby. I want makeup to be something fun but optional in her mind.

* I make sure to say "some people choose not to."

    I mention that I personally like doing things like makeup, epilating or having long hair, but other people choose not to do it. Some people choose to keep their hair long, some like it short. Some get their ears pierced, some don't. EVeryone likes different things, and can choose what they want to do with their bodies.

* I never ever criticise my body in front of her.

    When I look into the mirror, whether with clothes on or without, if I don't have anything nice to say I say nothing at all (at least out loud). Often, do I say something nice. I don't want her to start looking for flaws in her body at this age. I don't want to model body-hate, so I shut up about my own insecurities.
    I know that this dialogue will change as she grows older and gets more exposed to negative body image. That will be the time we will talk about body insecurities, photoshop and the media. For now, simply modelling a positive body image is important .
   If she does ask about things like wobbly body bits and stretch marks, I explain why the body has those bits (how scars are made, that fat jiggles), and mention without judgement that most people have bits like that on their body.
  Just to make it clear -- I am not in love with every bit of my body. I am (still) quite critical of it. Just not in front of children.

* I support her choices and help her stand by hers:

     Once she told me "C said my dress was stupid." We then talked about how it's important that she likes what she wears, even if her friends don't. The argument that made sense to her is "do you think C wears what she likes or what you like?" Sometimes she asks me how her clothes look, after telling her what I think I ask her if she likes what she is wearing. I also let her go out wearing wings or a tail if she wants to, as long as where we are going is not extremely inappropriate for that.

* I include my son:

   He is smaller and less interested in such topics, but I include him in the conversations. I am afraid that his generation of boys will go through body image struggles than the past male generations. The male market for cosmetics is growing, and this market is expanded by raising the beauty standards and planting the seeds of body insecurity into people.
    My small son sometimes get peer pressured about doing "boy things" and not "girl things", so I point out to him (and his sister as well) that gender norms don't make logical sense. Men can wear long hair, girls can wear short hair -- because hair is a part of your body and you can decide how you like to wear it. Pink is just a colour, some guys we know wear pink -- if they want to.

* I restrict media consumption:

   I was really happy when my TV broke. We never got around to fixing it. We do watch movies on the computer, and our favourites are Miyazaki movies with really cool princesses who are more concerned with doing awesome stuff than looking pretty.


   When my kids will grow older it will be much more challenging, especially when they get much more exposed to advertising, the media and peers with body issues. There will be much more conversations. About bodies, about beauty, about media. I started planting the seeds already. Both my kids know that advertisements are not truthful, because they want to try to make us buy their stuff. The kids often get excited about things they see on billboards, then pause and ask: "this is just an advertisement, isn't it?" (I got a bit sad recently when my younger one told me he "didn't find it nice" that all the pretty signs all over the town were "just advertisements".

   I'd love to hear from you how you (would) deal with questions from small kids about body image and makeup. How do you answer tricky questions? 

Moms And Red Lipstick: On The Beauty vs Family Disbalance + Tips For Moms

A while back a lovely reader left me this comment on my parenting hacks post:

"With posts like yours, I think that when the time comes for me to be a mum it will be much easier. I need your optimism because in Poland we have an ugly stereotype or martyrdom of parenthood, especially motherhood. You have to be tired all the time, upset, you have to dedicate all your time to the kid, you have to lack money all the time because a kid needs so much and it's all so expensive... If a mother goes to a salon to have her hair dyed and cut, it's sure that if she shares this on her blog, she will get at least one very nasty comment saying that she is a bad mother because she prefers to take care of herself instead of give the time, money and attention to the kid.
This is why I like your optimism here even more."

 It made me warm inside to read it, and at the same time reminded me of the inner struggles I went through before I found my childrearing-fashionista balance.

     When you are pregnant, you are exempt from beauty rules. People will probably surround you with positivity and will be more focused on how your well being than on your looks. Once you give birth, the pressure rises. Depending on where you live, you will be expected to either lose weight and look always impeccably styled, or you will be told that to pay attention to your shoes and hair means that you neglect your kids. I don't know which of these is worse. Oh wait, the worst is when you get both kinds of pressure at the same time.

   Add this to the fact that most women have to reestablish their identity and reacquaint themselves with their own body. It can be disorienting to have the body change so much in a few months, and to continue changing even up to two years postpartum. Not al changes are negative or permanent, but even temporary ones like weakened thigh muscles can be disconcertning. Then there is the loss of old habits, the old lifestyle, the old freedom, the mourning for which is usually repressed and leads to postpartum depression.

     Fashion and makeup plays a role here: many a young mom has wondered: can I still wear this or that now that I have a kid, will the perfume irritate the baby, or however am I supposed to find the time to even shower when he wants to be carried 24/7?

    I want to talk anbout how to find your comfort zone when it comes to beauty, and also about beauty as self- carte and self-expression.

   First of all, how well groomed the mother is has nothing to do with how good a mother she is. A sloppy appearance is not a sure sign of a selfless all-sacrificing parent, nor of a flake. A perfectly dressed look doesn't mean that the woman is the perfect mom, neither does it mean that she neglects her kid to do her nails. A woman's grooming or lack of it is related with how she prefers to spend her free time, how much help she gets around the house, how important fashion is to her, and much more. And let me tell you, there are a lot of women out there living a happy and fulfilling life in badly fitting jeans and sneakers, with bad hair and an unwaxed upper lip.
   These women are probably busy doing amazing things and aren't reading this blog. If you are already reading this blog, chances are that external beauty is in some way important to you, or you would like to pay more attention to it. So lets talk about why that is ok even if you have kids.

Beauty and style as self-care:

   Taking a few moments to decorate the body and face is a way of turning attention to ourselves in a positive way. In the life of a giver of love and care it can be good to spend a little time on something egoistic (in a good way). There are of course other ways like sports, a religious or spiritual practice, hobbies; and some less positive ones like overeating, shopping, addiction to TV or the internet.
   If you dress and make-up were important to you before you had kids but you don't pay attention to them any more, you should take a moment to reflect on the reasons. Some women experience a shift in priorities and are happy to focus their attention somewhere else, and that's great. However, others have negative reasons for neglecting their looks: lack of time and energy, but also psychological like disconnection from their old self or from their changed body. If that is the case, I'd really like you to try and add back a little bit of beauty care into your day.

Beauty and those around you:

   There are of course other arguments in support of taking a little bit of time every day for your looks: you get treated differentially by people based on your appearance. Sad, but true. And vice versa: we behave differently according to how we are dressed. Last year I had five different roles in a play, and the director told me that in spite of all my efforts I was playing the same persona all the time. For the next rehearsal I brought some improvisatory costumes and props: a suit, heels and updo for one character, a flowy dress and sun umbrella for another, and so on. And this made a huge difference on the way I was acting. Seriously, it is easier to act pulled-together if you look pulled-together.
   Also, don't forget the romantic partner. Now, I don't believe that women should run around with a rose between their teeth every second of the day; but then we also expect a minimum of grooming from our men so it's only fair to do our bit.
   And finally: your wardrobe probably is full of pretty stuff. You totally deserve to enjoy all that pretty stuff.

Practical tips and suggestions:

The first six weeks are your special time with your new baby. Don't bother too much about anything else. Cherish these moments.

Carve out just a couple of minutes in the morning for a short beauty routine. It is best to do it right when you go to the bathroom in the morning, as chances are the kids are still sleeping and you have an extra minute. And you're already there anyway.

Simplify your routine. For me doing my nails takes up too much time and is impractical, but mascara or oil masks on my hair take very little effort and give great results.

Pick one thing that has the most impact on how you look (for example concealer), and one thing that makes you happy (for example lipstick or earrings). Use these every day.

This tip comes from a neighbour who was a nurse and had to go to work at insane hours: keep a couple of morning beauty essentials on a tray in a convenient place (hers was on the living-room table), like hairbrush, mirror, mascara, earrings.

A tip from another neighbour: keep night-time creams squished between the mattress and the headboard (or on your night stand), and chances are you'll actually use them.

Get a wash-and-wear haircut that doesn't require styling. And no, that doesn't necessarily mean short hair. Also, learn a few simple updos for hair emergencies.

If your kid starts bothering you when you try to put on your makeup, try keeping a toy in that area that is only played with during your beauty time. A small sturdy mirror is often a good idea, it can keep a kid occupied for a surprisingly long time. You can also explain to them what you are doing, smaller kids usually love to watch and imitate. You can help them imitate you, for example let them clean their face with a pretty washcloth or rub a drop of oil on their faces or brush their hair. With older kids you can give them something similar to what you are using (my kids love organic lip balm, rose water sprayed on the hair to make it smell nice, and their collection of hair clips and pins). Try to emphasize the self-care aspect of the whole ritual rather than the beauty aspect of it.

Throw out your rattiest clothes and underwear. This will force you to wear your nicer stuff. Exactly.

If you are worried about snide remarks, you can use responses like "it actually takes me just 10 minutes every morning"; or "thanks, it makes me happy" or troll them with "ever since I stopped watching TV I have way more time for me any the kids" (most people will feel a bit guilty when they hear this) or even "my husband likes it". Or just ignore it, like all the unsolicited parental advice that you are probably getting as well. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who doesn't approve of it.

Exercise. It's one of the best ways to feel good, look good, and like your body more.

  And if you are feeling jealous of women who have kids and are perfectly groomed: nobody can do it all. If she is taking the time for her appearance, it's because she is choosing not to do something else. (Or, she has domestic help.) You can also choose to make space for beauty-time, and al lot less time to some other activity. What activity that is, and whether it is worth it is obviously another matter. Again, this is a matter of personal priorities. And sometimes also of a slightly better time management. Be honest with yourself, and do what makes you happy.

   If you have kids, I'm curious about your personal approach to finding the time and space for style and beauty; and society's pressure. If you don't have kids, I'd love to hear your thoughts as well!

Image: George M. Groutas

My Very Best Parenting Hacks For Small Kids

     Some of you might have realised that I am a mom of two pre-schoolers. I have also helped to raise my younger brother, who was 11 years younger than me and a total sweetie. So I have a bit of experience, and have developed some really useful tricks! Here they are:

* The double hand hold:

    This is my own invention and has two advantages: the kid thinks that they are holding your hand, when in fact you are holding their. Second, it is super secure because it is much more difficult for little hands to slip or wriggle away than in the normal hand hold! How to: Let the kid hold your index finger. Now, with your remaining fingers, grasp their wrist.

* Notice patterns before they develop into habits:

Small kids, once they develop a rut is is really really hard to get them out of it! Ask the mom whose kid refuses to eat anything but noodles, or the one whose .... . Now, as a parent you have to spot these when they are forming. If your kid asks for noodles (or other less-healthy) three days in a row, don't re-buy noodles and tell him that the store ran out of them (or distract him with something else while shopping). He might be upset, but this is nothing compared to denying him noodles after he has been eating them regularly for weeks. Soon he'll get hungry and will eat something else.

* Instead of colouring books, encourage free hand drawing and painting.

    Kids never manage to draw within the lines and often get frustrated, besides most colouring books seriously lack aesthetic. However, even very little kids can produce pretty and imaginative pictures when allowed to paint freehand. Bonus: drawing on a blank piece of paper not only allows the kid to experiment more, but also helps them to process their experiences and emotions.

via

* Trays as work surfaces

    I totally stole this from the Montessori schools, where small kids are given trays as work surfaces. This helps to keep stuff from getting all over the place (especially stuff like modelling play, crayons or beads), protects your tables and catches spills. Also, the tray is easy to move from surface to surface, when you need to make space on the table for lunch or your kid wants to play in another room. The tray should be rectangular with handles, not too heavy, and the design should not be too loud or distracting (you can always re-cover the bottom with wax-cloth).

* Hang a bag with books and toys on the stroller:

    Most parents loved this: I hung a small bag by threading the loops on the umbrella, and filled it with little books and toys (usually flea-market stuff than neither of us was really attached to, because they would sometimes get lost). Every time the kid got bored, she would pull out her little books and entertain herself. Also, this means I didn't have to keep stuff to entertain her in my handbag.

via

* Shallow baskets with handles are amazing for storing toys. 

   The ones almost as flat as trays allows the kids to see what's inside and at the same time corral stuff.  Best if the have handles. I totally stole this from Waldorf Kindergardens. Also, the nature tones add a calm look, and makes the toys more visible.

* Keep stuff in their hoods

   This one I stole from a fores play-group :). During the cold part of the year the adults kept a paper tissue and gloves (when the kids took them off) in the hoods of the kids (the hoods were hanging down because the kids wore caps). That way they could re-use the tissues and match the right gloves with the right kid. I have often put scarves, comfort items and toys in them when the kids gave them to me to hold. Surprisingly, the stuff never falls out!

* Distraction is the best strategy

    Distracting the kid works when there is a power-struggle going on, or you feel a tantrum coming up, unreasonable request, bickering between siblings. It's amazing how distractable small kids are, and many of the power-struggle ones are thankful for the change of topic (because they don't want to lose but know they can't win). Ways to distract include: songs and finger games, pointing out something interesting you see, asking for help (especially with a "grown-up" task), starting a new activity, or even asking a question that requires concentration to answer. And of course doing a silly dance or pretending to be a dragon that is hungry for kids.

* Use their age as a guide

    Their kindergarden does this a lot an applies this to many different tasks. For example they recommend that a kid gets so many guests on their birthday as their age -- this keeps the kids from getting overwhelmed and the party from turning into a chaos. Or their age determines how many tasks to do: the three year old puts away three things, while the five year old puts away five things.
      Kids seem to understand this pretty well, because they know that everyone grows and besides their age is a very important thing for a preschooler! I'm sure you can use this to determine many things -- from food portions to pocket money.


      Do you have kids? Do share your own tips and tricks that help you deal with the little people in your life.

Breasts Changes And Care During Pregnancy And Nursing

    In this post I will cover the changes you can expect during pregnancy, nursing and beyond; and suggest tips on how to take care of your boobs during that time.

    Most women ask what will their breast size be after pregnancy and nursing? The answer is: this differs from woman to woman. There is no rule about how much your breasts will grow during pregnancy and whether they will get back to their current size or not. I am saying this based on talks with friends and reading tons of forum discussions about this topic. Some women end up with their pre-pregnancy size, some with bigger breasts and some with smaller. You can ask your mom how it was for her, but there is no warranty that your boob-genes are inherited from your mom's side of your family.

Breast Changes During Pregnancy

     Your boobs will probably grow during pregnancy, though it is impossible to predict whether it will be one size or several. In my case it was around 5 sizes (approximately, since my pre-pregnancy bras were so terribly fitted that I can only guess what my real size was -- probably a 28B). It is possible that your breasts will grow in leaps and jumps, and that the process will not be entirely comfortable.
      Also the nipples might change -- grow in size, darken in colour. They might look like huge bull's eyes -- don't worry, that usually changes back after weaning.

Taking care of your breasts during pregnancy

     Most of damage happens to breasts during pregnancy, not nursing! This is really important to remember. Doing a couple of things for your breasts now might spare you tons of tears later on.

Wear correctly fitting bras:
   The most important thing you can do is always wear correctly-fitting bras, keeping up with your growing cup sizes. This might sound expensive, but it's still way cheaper than a breast augumentation -- and so worth it in terms of both looks and comfort. (If you want to be thrifty, you can turn them into nursing bras when the baby comes, or re-sell them -- or even buy nursing bras in the first place).

Wear good bras:
   I have covered in detail about which bras are best, but I'll write again the most important points: do not wear they typical stretchy maternity bras, they will not support you at all. The cups should not be made of stretchy material! The band needs to be snug. It is possible that at the end of the pregnancy you will need a bigger band because your ribs will open up a bit, but I usually recommend band extenders at this point (especially because the ribs go back to previous width a week or two after giving birth).

Wear a bra at night:
    You will probably need all the support you can get, especially if you are rapidly gaining cup sizes. If you are comfortable doing so, wear a bra even while sleeping.

How to avoid stretchmarks:
    Stretchmarks -- of course you wanted to know about this. I got a lot, and my skin itched like crazy before they appeared. To minimise the risk of getting stretchmarks you need to wear supportive bras, and you should moisturise your breasts twice a day (I wasn't dilligent enough and I regret it now). Look for products that increase the skin's elasticity -- not anything that is firming. An oil mix of wheatgerm oil, almond oil and jojoba oil with a capsule of vit E in works well. Gently massage the product into your skin, so that it gets relaxed and very gently stretched (do your belly, thighs and butt while you are about it, that's where stretchmarks appear pretty often). Also, zinc makes the skin more elastic by helping with collagen production, so you might want to eat foods rich in zinc ( or ask your doc whether you can eat supplements).

Prepare your nipples
    This was a great tip from my midwife -- toughen up your nips in advance and you'll have it easier while nursing. Brush them with a natural body brush every day -- start gently and get a bit harder gradually.

Breast Changes During Nursing:

   There is a myth that nursing damages boobs -- in reality most of the damage happens during pregnancy, that is when the boobs grow. If you are trying to decide whether to nurse or not, try to nurse your baby for at least a week -- that way it gets a lot of antibodies from you that gives it a running start in life.
      Nursing does make the boobs smaller (usually), though there is no telling whether they will return to their pre-pregnancy size, or smaller, or bigger. Also, the nipples might start to stick-out a bit (or more than a bit). Inverted nipples might become extroverted. Some women who nursed for two years or so found that it was too much of a strain for their boobs, which looked very "empty" afterwards.

Nurse carefully
    Generally, try to teach your baby to not tug or pull at the breasts. It may look cute and harmless, but it is seriously not funny when a much older and stronger baby is trying to turn around and look at dad while still keeping mom's nipple in his mouth. Especially if he already has teeth. Obviously it helps to nurse in a quiet space, but there are some babies which just think that breasts are another thing to play with. Every time the baby does something like that (or bites you), insert your pinkie finger in the corner of it's mouth to break the suction and remove your boob. Allow the baby to latch on again if it wants to. You can start this after 6 weeks, when the baby is aware enough of the world around.

Taking care of your breasts during nursing

      Boobs at the beginning of nursing  are very swollen and sore. Now, for some women nursing comes really easily, for others it can be really hard (like for me). If you are having a hard time, you might want to contact an experienced midwife, or La Leche League. Read up on how to soothe swollen breasts (massage, cream cheese, cold cabbage leaves) as well as the fever and mood swings that appear during the onset of milk. Nipple shields and lanolin do wonders if you have sore nipples. And, most importantly -- remember even if the beginning is confusing and not easy, it's all downhil from here.

Choose your nursing bras wisely:
    Again, well-fitting bras are a must. Most typical nursing bras are terrible -- they support nothing and are way too stretchy. Here is a list of brands that make good nursing bras. Again, I really recommend splurging here and saving for other stuff. For example a baby really does not need brand new clothes -- and besides second-hand stuff has the advantage of having the toxins washed out (this is also why you should wash new baby stuff several times before you put in on the baby -- baby skin is extremely thin and sensitive!)

Stretch marks
    If you haven't got any so far, you still need to be careful during the first weeks of nursing. If you already got them, now is the time to get rid of them. If they are still red, they are fresh and easier to get rid off that when they have turned silver. Now, massaging and brushing of the skin is much more important than the product you use. A lot of women report thicker and heavier products to be more effective -- this is because such a product forces them to massage longer than a product that sinks in instantly.
     Be very careful about what you apply on the breasts since a lot of stuff might go into the milk! Also, avoid the nipples and just to be on the safe side wash your nipples before nursing. If you can't find a stretchmark product that is safe for the baby, you can use the same oil mixture that I recommended earlier, or shea butter. Anyway, massage thoroughly, twice a day. You can also brush the skin -- gently with a delicate brush, and void the nipples.


Avoiding asymmetry
     If your baby decides it prefers one boob to another, it can lead to light to severe asymmetry after months of nursing! The more used boob will end up bigger in the end. Watch out for early signs of this, and deal with it before it becomes a fixed habit for your baby (this piece of advice can actually be applied to everything about kids). The problem can lie in the way you are holding the baby -- try to put a pillow under it so that it is more comfortable (the "moon-shaped" pillows with styropore in them are the best thing ever!) Or, the baby might have a "stiff neck" and find it hard to turn its head one way due to lying in the womb in a weird position. Try putting interesting toys on the "difficult" side of the baby, to encourage it to turn its head that way. Also, here is an easy trick -- give the least preferred boob to your baby first -- chances are it will be too hungry to notice. Finally, experiment with nursing positions -- you can trick the baby with the "football hold".
   Obviously if you already have an asymmetry, you can use nursing to even this out. Try to make the baby nurse out of the smaller boob more than out of the bigger boob, or if you can't manage that, pump a little out of the smaller boob after nursing.

Loosing weight sensibly
     Rapid weight loss is not good for the boobs: recommend loosing not more than a kilo a week -- that way the skin has time to shrink back. Also, eating healthy (lots of fruit and veggies) while loosing weight is important -- skin elasticity very much depends on how much minerals and vitamins you are getting.

Breast Changes After Weaning:

   (Or after pregnancy, in case of choosing not to nurse). You didn't think it's over yet, did you? It takes at least 9 months and up to 2 years for the body to completely recover after having a baby. Bones will shift around, hormone levels will change, muscles will get stronger. And boobs change too. Most "pep up" a bit after nursing. The areolas usually shrink a bit and return to their old colour. Stretch marks fade and become less visible.

What you can do:
    After weaning you can get a proper strechmark cream. Remember that it takes 1-2 years to lighten scars, so don't give up. Persistance is key here! Of course, you should also watch out for changes in breast size and buy different sized bras if necessary.


More: here is a great round-up of maternity bloggers and posts.


   That's all from me. I'd love it if other experienced mommies chimed in with their experiences and tip!

How To Care For Your Child's Skin And Hair -- Naturally

   Since I have two small kids of my own, I wanted to write a bit about how to take care of the skin and hair of little people. I notice that a lot of moms don't realise that many conventional baby-care products contain crappy ingredients, and are neither gentle or natural. Kids skin is very sensitive and growing kids are very susceptible to chemicals. These chemicals often act like hormones, cause cancer or simply irritate and damage the skin and hair.

    Note: by kids I mean from age of 1,5/2 till puberty!

Noticing the body and stimulating the senses

    Learning to take care of the body is an important part of the development of a child. At this age its important not to stress the cosmetic / beauty aspect of it, but rather the self-care aspect as well as the enjoyment of the whole process. For example noticing that the skin is dry and rubbing almond oil on it, or pouring a small drop of lavender essential oil on their hands and enjoying the scent -- all the senses are involved, and the child takes a moment to notice their body (kids are often so focused on their activities and the world around that they don't pay attention to their body unless they hurt it!)

Bath and cleansing:

    Always buy soaps and other bath products for your kids that are without SLS (sodium laureth sulfate) or SLES (sodium lauryl ether sulfate), as these are harsh detergents that irritate the skin. Best are natural olive-oil based soaps -- find handmade ones that come in the most gorgeous candy colours. Never use antibacterial soaps.
    I used to think that all natural bath products don't foam (since it's mainly SLS that creates foam) but since then I discovered that's not true. I love Dreckspatz bubble baths which are certified natural cosmetics, and they do foam nicely. For sure there are other brands of natural but bubbly bath products in other countries too.
   Kids skin doesn't produce much sebum (oils) and they don't sweat stinky, so they don't need to use soap all over their body every day. It's enough to use soap just on the parts that need it.
   Another reason for using natural bath products -- conventional ones often disturb the pH balance of the skin and so cause infections in the genital area.

Hair

    Kids don't need to shampoo very often -- usually a tiny bit of natural shampoo once in a while is enough. teach them to rub their scalp well with their fingertips and not their nails.
    Getting a shampoo without SLS is very important --- sodium laureth sulfate actually harms the eyes.
    Cradle cap (yes, it's not just for babies) is best removed by gently brushing out after soaking with water / oil.
     Which brings me to -- oils. If your kid's hair is dry, apply olive oil half and hour before washing.
     If your kid has a very different hair type from yours, you might want to read up on how to take care of it. Especially if your kid has curly hair and you don't -- a lot of moms fight a losing battle against frizz and dryness, not realising that their kids curls don't like detergents and brushes!

Skin:

      If you are using a powder, do look for something talc-free, as inhaled talc causes respiratory problems. Cornstarch-based powder is best. However I have to admit that I never used powder on any of my kids bottoms -- but I'm not sure whether this would work in a warmer climate as well.
      If your kid has a dry skin, the best thing is oils -- they are gentle, healing and simple. You can rub the oil in like a mini massage or teach the kids to do it themselves. I prefer a simple plant oil, such as Jojoba, which I can mix with other plant-based oils if the fancy strikes me. If you don't like mixing stuff, it's fine to buy an oil mix. Your selection is not limited to baby oils: pregnancy skin oils, hair oils, skin oils for grown-ups are good: oils are extremely multi-purpose. Always check the ingredients before buying -- you're looking for perfume-free and free from mineral oil and silicones. Many oils (including baby oils) are mostly mineral oil, which in short is a cheap ingredient that doesn't do the skin any good. And perfumes are usually irritating and contain a bunch of undeclared toxic chemicals.
     For very dry patches, cracking lips and irritated skin I love Weleda skin food and the Weleda calendula baby cream.

Sun

   Unfortunately not all kids sunscreen is free from chemical sunscreen, so be sure to read the labels. Chemical sunscreen acts like hormones and is often not photostable. A good sunscreen is also free from alcohol. Most kids sunscreen is white and sticky, but kids don't mind if you pretend its war-paint!

Some ingredients to avoid:

    Avoid anything with parabens (anything ending with -paraben, usually found near the end of the ingredient list), mineral oil, paraffin, perfume and artificial colouring.
    When in doubt, look up the product on the Skin Deep Database, it shows exactly how toxic or not a product is.


    In Germany there are quite rigorous laws regarding baby products, so it's pretty easy to find inexpensive non-toxic products. Usually the German brands have a much better ingredient list than multinational brands. However my personal approach was even simpler: I tried to find natural products that work for the whole family. I DIY our shampoo, buy olive-oil based soap, mix our moisturising oil, and buy a natural toothpaste that everyone in the family uses.


   One last tip: If your kids want crappy products with the latest cartoon character on it, you can be sneaky and buy that but pour the contents down the drain and refill with your choosen brand of stuff.


    For those of you who have kids -- what are / were your favourite natural products? Do share!

   

Story of a Belly Part II --- How You Can Do It Too

Today mysia_m shares how exactly she did it: her exercises, massage and diet. See yesterday´s post for her story about how she decided to commit to turning her post-partum flab into enviable abs.

    There are no miracles, you need to put in some effort, but let´s not overdo it. The 1600 calorie diet allows for eating comfortably, while training takes 30 minutes max every day with a break once a week. It´s worth checking the effects sporadically every 2-3 months, because then the difference is really big. Don´t start this diet and exercises earlier than 3-4 months after giving birth. The entire program has been developed by me based on help from the internet and my education. If any of you wants to try it out, I encourage you to work at it !

    So, lets roll, darlings !

If you have extra kilos:
Breastfeed -- it´s best for your child, and it will help you burn lingering fat.
Limit your calorie intake -- 1600 calorie diet (it doesn´t mean you have to eat exactly 1600 calories, try to stay between 1500-1700. You´ll lose weight anyway.

Basic commandments of a mom on her way to lose weight:

EAT PROTEIN

White cheeses (such as curd cheese), milk, yellow cheeses (calorific), yoghurts (only organic), kefir are friends of nursing moms trying to lose weight (kill hunger, provide valuable nutritious substances and good bacteria which regulate digestive processes), eggs, cooked chicken.

Tip: a meal comprised of only protein helps to burn fat, for instance supper consisting of only curd cheese with cream, it could be cottage cheese.

DRINK LOTS OF LIQUIDS

Herbal teas are very healthy and tasty. I recommend nettle, Melissa and pansy. They have a great effect on the skin, well-being and milk production ! Breastfeeding moms can´t drink red or green tea, moms that bottle-feed can -- but remember that these teas are dehydrating. Replenish liquids by drinking water, whichever kind you like. It can be boiled tap water in quantities of minimum 4 glasses daily, that´s 2 liters of liquids.

EAT IN VARIETY

Your fridge should be colourful ! Bell pepper, broccoli, carrots, Kohlrabi (German turnip), cucumber, beans, peas. All of this is edible. That way you won´t get a lack of vitamins.

MOVE

I´ve tested on my own skin the effect of intensive walks with a buggy. The child needs to get fresh air one way or another. Instead of putting it out on a balcony, go to a park, to a meadow, wherever possible, as long as you use your legs. I myself started out taking walks for an hour every day, with fast paced walking. I came back soaked in sweat. After 2 weeks of everyday marches I extended the time to 1,5 hours. After a month till 2 hours. After 2 months the marches lasted even 3 hours.
Fast-paced walking fantastically shapes the leg muscles and butt, and the erect posture forces the belly muscles to return to the old shape.

After 2 months of such a diet and marches I lost more than 10 kilos.



MASSAGE

A very important element of shaping the figure. I personally have a specialist in physiotherapy, but this massage can by done by each one of you with a bit of persistence and discipline.
First of all -- twice a day, secondly -- using a firming product. That means any body cream labeled ´firming´. It would be ideal if it contains algaes or caffeine. These substances stimulate microcirculation, so the process of burning at least cellulite is speeded up. You will say for sure that creams work only on the skin, and the fat layer lies deeper. That´s true, but the smoother the skin, the less visible are the unevenness below it; and additionally a deep massage, which I will describe in a moment, stimulates the deeper layers of the skin to self-cleansing.

Execution:
   We´ll work on the area from the line under the bust till the pubic mound and from one side to the other -- that´s a rectangle-shaped area. If you pass diagonal lines through it, they would intersect exactly at the navel.

1. Smear in the cream with the entire palm with a clockwise direction, from the navel outwards, like you would draw a snail. Use enough cream to slip, but not so much as to make it too wet. If you do use too much, wait till the excess is absorbed by massaging it in. Make around 20 circles.
2. Grab a fold of skin with both hands between thumb and fingers. The thumbs should be 3-5 cm from one another. Grab the fold so deeply that you grab all the exterior belly fat *example photo*. Begin with the spot under the navel. This fold should be rolled outwards, diagonally. Imagine drawing a sun: the navel is the sun, and the lines that we roll the skin folds in are the rays. Roll it precisely passing the fingers spot to spot, all the time tightly holding the roll so that it doesn´t escape. Move clockwise. That´s quite important, if you do it anticlockwise you could get strong constipation. Do the sun twice.
3. The next step is tightening the hand into a fist and making small circles with the knuckles. We press quite strongly, which can hurt, but this is a normal symptom. Massage in this way the entire area from the under-bust line till the pubic mound, twice around, clockwise.
4. Take some more cream and rub it in, stroking with a flat palm.

After massage the skin might be red. Even small bruises may appear. If you get a rash, it means that the cream has caused an allergic reaction.
A regularly performed massage will cause that the skin will become satin smooth. Used together with exercises, it tightens it visibly (it´s very visible, already after 2 weeks ! I had old, neglected cellulite at the stomach height, from my university days. This massage helped me lose it. Under the skin I had clumps of condensed fat, like beads; right now the skin fold is smooth and soft in the center.


SET OF EXERCISES

The set of exercises called Weider´s Aerobic 6 can be found on the Internet. I have lightly modified the program for my needs, and the results were similar. These exercises beautifully shape the belly and the legs.
They saved me from a hernia operation. The muscles came together, covering the hole. The bellybutton went back in. The painfulness went away. I have to do these exercises for ever, if I want to maintain the results. 2-3 weeks break from exercising are enough for the hernia to reappear.

Some rules:

-- 6 repetitions in the 1st week
-- 12 reps in the 2nd week
-- 18 reps in the 3rd week
-- 24 reps in the 4th week
-- 5th weeks and beyond: 18 reps in two series (if you want to improve the ab shape) or 12 reps every day (if you want to maintain results).

The exercises may be done in doses, but the whole series has to be done in one day. Although they are tiring, it´s worth carving out 30 mins for the whole.
Remember to breath ! Don´t pant quickly, but breathe calmly in the rhythm of the movements.

Exercise 1
Lie flat on the floor. Arms along the torso. Alternate lifting the legs till they are bent at right angle at the hip joint. The angle at the thigh-calf joint must also be 90°. (At the top of the lift the thigh is vertical, and the calve is horizontal)

Exercise 2
Still lying flat on the floor, with the arms along the torso. Lift both legs at once, in the same way as in exercise nr. 1

Exercise 3
Lie in the same way. Lift straight legs 30 cm from the floor and make a scissors movement (open legs wide apart, bring them together and cross them). Try to make the movement as big as possible ie. open the legs as wide apart as possible.

Exercise 4
Lie flat on the floor, arms along the torso. Lift the legs 45° up from the floor, keeping them straight at the knees. Maintain this for as many seconds as the repetitions you´re supposed to do today. For eg. 6 reps = 6 secs.

Exercise 5
Lie flat, but raise your head. Repeat the same exercises from 1-4, but with the head raised. Remember not to press the chin into the chest, but to keep it up, because it´s the belly muscles that should work and not the neck.

If you have problems maintaining the arms along the sides on the floor, try putting the thumbs under the butt. This also prevents sliding around.

That´s all from me. The rest depends on you. For encouragement I´m adding before & after photos. And another thing. It´s better to give one´s all and maybe worry than one has terrible genes, then do nothing and complain. The regenerative abilities of a woman´s body is amazing. We got extra bindings in the skin, so that it may be elastic. Let´s use this. I wish you luck.

  At the end I want to thank Eternal*Voyageur, who by calling me an inspiration, inspired me to write this article, thanks to which maybe one of you will soon jump with pride into low-waisted jeans.


     So, any questions for mysia_m ? She´d be happy to answer them !

Story Of A Belly, Part One --- How I Did It

Can a flabby postpartum belly be brought back into shape ? I desperately Googled this when I realised that my belly didn´t spring back to shape several months after giving birth. Most of what I found went along these lines: If you´re not a celeb or a possessor of magical genes that flatten the belly days after pregnancy, then you´d better stop sniveling with self-pity and start loving your blubber beautiful new body.

    Then I discovered this lady: she decided to take matters her postpartum flab belly in her own hands, and after 2 years of hard work she is the proud possessor of gorgeous abs. I requested her to share her story as an inspiration for me, and hopefully other mothers. This she did, along with sharing her workout, eating and massage tips, in hope that some of you may make it too !

 

July 2007
I´m a normal girl, a new wife. I´ve got the perfect stomach. Although, be frank, I didn´t know it at that time. It seemed normal, average to me. When I lay down, it was sunken. I could wear the tightest trousers, tops, dresses --- no folds or wrinkles whatsoever. A woman before giving birth doesn´t appreciate this at all. And I didn´t do anything, I didn´t exercise, I was not at all physically active. Since I can remember, I hated physical education classes. I was completely out of condition. I rode the bicycle sporadically, sometimes I went to the mountains. I was underweight due to excessive dieting. I weighed barely 48kg, with the height of 163cm.

August 2007
Pregnancy test shows two stripes. The shock is positive, but due to the influx of emotions I run to three drugstores, because it´s embarrassing to buy in just one --- all of 5 pregnancy tests. All show that I´m pregnant. I went crazy with happiness. I decided to eat.

September 2007. Second month of pregnancy.
I dig through all possible sources of information on pregnancy. I get stuck in forums and I soak in information. I vomit. I feel nauseous, I lose weight.

November 2007. Fourth month of pregnancy
Every day I observe my belly in the mirror. I dream of it growing huge. A small bump appears, like when one is bloated. I manage to put on 3 kg. I buy the smallest size in pregnancy trousers, but I don´t wear them since they flatten my belly.

January 2008, sixth month of pregnancy
It´s growing, and I carry it with pride. I caress it when the little one kicks.
I apply a normal body moisturier on myself, because my skin is itchy and taut. I´m putting on weight. The doctor told me to rein in the eating. I weigh already 10 kg more than before pregnancy. The area around the navel hurts. Pregnancy pants come back into graces.

February 2008, seventh month of pregnancy 
I´m beginning to have problems with tying up my shoes, bending down. Belly and back are hurting. Muscles begin to part, the navel ceases to be a hole, becomes a small sticking-out blister.  

March 2008. Eighth month of pregnancy
Belly like a balloon. Skin stretched to its limits. Doesn´t let me sleep. Weight... 30 kg more than before pregnancy. I was supposed to be a pretty mama, but I´m an elephant. Everyone cheers me up by saying that I´m looking pretty. Somehow I don´t see that, stuffing rolls of fat into size 44 trousers. I read that after birth my belly will hang like jelly, that I have to accept this fact. I don´t accept it, I worry a bit. I tell myself that mine won´t be like that.

The day of birth the doctor examines my belly. With satisfaction he notes that it´s "big, it developed well". Preparations for a caesarean. For the last time I look at the giant balloon and the smooth, taut skin.

First washing. The midwife uncovers my belly. I glance. I feel hot. It´s huge and sloppy. The real drama begins under the shower. In an upright position it resembles a belly from the 6th month of pregnancy, but looks like a deflated basketball put into a thin plastic bag. It´s disgusting.

I observe it each day, but the weeks pass, kilograms slowly fall away, but this flab still hangs. Soft jelly. I touch the skin. I don´t feel anything. After the caesarean I have sensory loss in the entire area from the navel to the pubic mound and in the left side of the hips. Fingers touch something, which doesn´t feel like skin, it´s more like a deflated balloon. I decide to throw away all tops shorter than the waist. All low-waisted trousers. I buy myself tight underpants that go up to the bust, because it gets on my nerves that I feel how my flab bounces around when I walk. And I don´t want to see it. I also buy high-waisted trousers. I promise myself that I will save for a good swimsuit, which will somehow hide it in the summer. I don´t show myself to my husband. I don´t look into the mirror. I take care of my child. Now I´m a mom, I won´t live by my belly.

4 months pass. I lose kilos by breastfeeding. I begin a diet of my own creation. I look through the Internet and choose a set of exercises. My friends laugh at me, that I won´t manage, because I won´t have the time to train. They show me their hanging bellies and tell me that I should make piece wit it, that they tried, that nothing can be done. But I set myself -- I commit myself to 2 years of training. It was worth it. Today I have a better belly than before pregnancy.
Pregnancy is not a sentence. I learned that instead of complaining one must act.

Continued in part two of the story: how you can do it too !
Dietary plan, belly massage, and a fantastically effective abs exercise !
Wait for it tomorrow !

    

Bengkung: Malaysian Postpartum Girdle

 About belly-binding, my experience with the Malaysian Bengkung wrap, and my belly-binding tips.

 

   I had to try out postpartum belly-wraps after Tunisian friends told me that their slim postbaby waists were due to their mothers binding them as tight as they could. These ladies couldn't imagine why the Germans didn't tie their abdomens after giving birth.
   Looking at my belly after my first baby, I decided to try out belly-binding the second time round. Contrary to my optimistic expectations, my abdomen hadn't show any talent for automatically shrinking (no thanks for the genes, mom). I had wanted hoped and willed my postpartum abs to look like Demi Moore's. Actually they looked like Demi Moore's when she was 3 month pregnant.

   I found out that most cultures have some form of postpartum belly binding. What I tried out after my second baby was a traditional Malaysian belly corset, called Bengkung.

Why belly-binding ?

It's a practice of tying a strip(s) of clothe around the abdomen during the postpartum recovery period.

• It helps to slim the ribcage, belly and hips.
• Pulls the separated abdominal muscles (diastasis recti) get back together.
• Prevents back pain: while wearing it, you are forced to sit and walk straight, a good antidote to the "nursing-slouch".
• You know that feeling of your guts falling out in the postpartum weeks ? I don't but a lot of women have described it to me. A Bengkung gives you a nice, supported feeling.
• I read somewhere that using a tight corset makes the bust grow bigger, since apparently the fat has nowhere else to go. Just after pregnancy you won't be wanting a bigger bust, but it will get smaller very soon, so you might be interested in this tip !
• Belly binding speeds up getting rid of waste blood. I experienced this myself, since I was having issues (no bleeding), until I started using the Bengkung.
• More info from Natural Health After Birth.

Does belly binding stop the abdominal muscles from working ?

   I don't see how tying a postpartum girdle would prevent any muscle from working. I mean, you still obviously use those muscles when you get up, walk, whatever. If these were somehow "prevented" from working, you wouldn't be able to do move at all. SO yes, all the muscles work, they are just prevented from bulging out.

What's a Bengkung ?

   It's a traditional Malaysian belly binding method. Actually they look like long mummy-wraps, but the Mia Bengkung is an "instant" version that is easy to put on, even without anyone else helping you.

Traditional Benkung: skip to 1:40

What makes a Bengkung different from western postpartum girdles like Belly Bandit ?

  It's the length: a Bengkung starts right under the breasts and goes over the hips. This way, it doesn't just work on the waist, but also helps the ribcage and the hips go back to their former dimensions. Also, it stays put when you move, and so it doesn't press on the abdomen.

 

Note the cute green towel Karen added !

REVIEW OF BENGKUNG MIA

I bought Bengkung Mia from here. and have been using it throughout my postpartum recovery period, day and night. Here is my experience:

Quality:

• Nice cotton, comfortable and breathable, yet sturdy.
• Beige outside, doesn't show much through clothes.
• Navy blue inside front: absorbs stains from oils & creams
• Strongly made. After a lot of using, the only sign of fraying was on the straps

Comfort of putting on & wear:

• The material is nonslip, that makes it easy to tighten and tie.
• The Bengkung goes till below your hips, so going to the toilet is a bit tricky.
• Since the hooks & band are nonslip, you can tie it tighter in some places and looser in others. It stays that way for quite a while.
• I hate tight things, but i was pleasantly surprised to find that the Bengkung was painless. The tightness was supportive and comfortable.
• I had issues with the lower edge: if I tied it tight it would cut into the skin. If it was loose it would bunch up. I solved this by putting a folded cloth as padding under the edge and tying it tight. I'm wondering whether this was caused by the fact that I have a really low raise, and that's why the Bengkung reached only till the widest part of my hips, and that made it bunch up (I imagine it would stay put if it went below my hips).
• I could tie it myself pretty well, though it is easier if someone else does it. And you get to hear their jokes about moulding you to suit their tastes.
• I wore it out of the house under clothes. In fact it was the only thing that saved my pride by flattening my postpartum melon into some kind of nonpregnant shape. The clothes worn over it can't be too tight, though.

Effects:

• The Bengkung helped with healing my abdominal muscles split (diastasis recti). My midwife was surprised how quickly they were closing, and asked me if I have been "using" anything.
• The flattening down of my belly was really quick during the first 2-3 postpartum weeks.
• The Bengkung did help me to stand and sit straighter, as if I'd swallowed a stick. It worked at preventing back & shoulder pain much better than the constant admonishing of the Mr to stop slouching.
• Karen has been very helpful answering a whole bunch of questions about the Bengkung, helping me to choose my size and telling me about traditional Malaysian confinement eating rules.
• I paid a bit over 10€ for the Bengkung + extra for shipping. I must say this is very affordable ! Plus, a malaysian friend of mine commented that that's a good price. Karen also offers discounts on combined orders.

Husbands's review in one sentence: 
"It's not every day that you get the chance to mold your wife."

 

Temperature and padding concerns:

Karen offers a padded and a non-padded version of the Bengkung corset. I choose the padded since it's supposed to be more comfortable, and I wore it at 25 degrees without feeling too hot (I do overheat fast !).

Bengkung vs tying a cloth/scarf:

   Before my Bengkung arrived, I used my Diddymos baby sling (long & non-stretchy & nonslip fabric) to tie myself up. It was doable, but I couldn't get it on as tight as the Bengkung, and you can't really cover the bust-to-hips area with it. It all gets bunched up in the end.

Eternal*Voyageur's tips for Mia Bengkung

• I actually preferred to wear mine back-to-front most of the time. I didn't like the feeling of my belly protruding between the band when it was in the front. I didn't tie it myself, of course.
• It works best when you put it on last thing at night. Since you won't be getting up any more, you can have it as tight as you want it and it won't bunch. Lie in the bed, and get your partner to lace you in. Warning: he might develop a corset fetish.
• Karen says to ties it moderately tight, while my Tunisian friends advised me to tighten it till I think I'll split in two. Either way, remember that it does loosen up while wearing, so tie it a bit tighter than you want it.
• If you live in a hot climate, you might need two Bengkungs, since you'll be washing them frequently.
• Wear your panties over the Bengkung. Yes, that looks ridiculous, but trust me, much easier in the toilet.
• The Bengkung should start immediately under the bra. Otherwise you get a roll of fat there.
• If unsure about the size, get the smaller one. Or send Karen your measurements, she'll help you make the right choice.
• Order in advance. Paypal takes time to process foreign transactions, and the post from Malaysia isn't lightning quick either. You need to start wearing the Benkung a few days after giving birth.
• Don't forget to choose your Bengkung type and size! 

Urut, creams and oils
I did order 3 bottles of Biotrim Herbal Lotion, but I can't review it's effectiveness as I alternated it with several other products.

Disclaimer: This is not a sponsored post. I have paid for the item myself. I would use it myself again, and would recommend it to my friends.