Dear Ladies, choice of cosmetics should never be based on product descriptions. Here is why:
Once upon a time I stood in cosmetic stores, all big-eyed and trying to decide between extracts of the yellow sea and active ingredients from glaciers; weighing the effects of deep-moisturising + soothing, against simply moisturising but also energising...
Now I realise that the truth about the product and the description of the product are in two different places. For the truth, go to the ingredient list. For entertainment, lets go through the product description.
Can you guess on which real advertisements are many of my examples based on ? Some of the products actually work fine, but why the crazy overblown claims ?
Amazonian Pink Snail Extract aka Exotic Ingredients
Advertising campaigns are often based upon an exotic ingredient of which trace amounts are contained in the product. Clients will never buy something with carrot extract if they can get the extract of the third petal of the five-petalled ultraviolet orchid. Especially if the said orchid was a beauty secret of the Ancient Egyptians, Mayas, Innuits and Vulcanians.
♥ Tip: it is often more effective and economical to buy the pure form of the exotic ingredient, and use it directly or drink it. Read about how to use active ingredients directly.
Goddess In The Shower aka Sensual Atmosphere
Exclusive, fantastic names for ordinary products: the Radiance Fluid (in fact and anti-frizz serum) doesn't even make the hair radiant, but gives us a glowing halo. Besides, it turns your bathroom into an exotic Mediterranean spa.
Language that strongly appeals to the senses, and brings up sensual images, such as "skin that is soft as silk"and "ready to be loved"... you're reading poetry.
102% In 5 Days, aka Hard Facts:
Dandruff & anti-wrinkle creams are sold by seemingly informative, hard and logical language, with lots of specialistic terminology to impress you. They tell you that your skin is messed up due to the lack of xy and the break-up of yz, but the cream contains active bullshitoids that will take care of all that. You will see a noticeable results Your skin will look exactly 51% better within 78 minutes, and the cream has been tested on a group of 999.9 women by 36 and a half dermatologists.
Impressotin© Dumbcustomeroids™ aka Pseudo Science
Contains the new super-innovative complex abracadabra® with IQ that precisely sculpts your body: flattens your abdomen and roundens your butt... well, what if it makes a mistake and flattens the butt and roundens your belly ? Ah, I forgot that the cream is intelligent.
BTW the cream contains soundgoodtoid® that contain justbuythis-pro©.... Now you are impressed, admit it.
The Magic Of Words:
Names, Places And Concepts: Eveline Los Angeles, Laboratories Coco Chanel, cream HydraTao
Hydro- Bio- and Fyto- have made quite a career in cosmetic terminology. So did pro- and active. It's not a moisturiser, it's an active biohydrocomplex pro !
It's an airplane, it's a rocket, it's a cream !
It improves your attractiveness, the happy-dorfins cause your skin to shine with joy. It lifts your mood, andawakes your senses. In fact, you start looking like a smiley. Your boyfriend loves you more, and even your enstranged father has come back to ask your forgiveness.
Because you're awesome, you expect the best, and all that crap.
You're worth it. Worth paying them too much for a glorified bottle of petroleum oil and silicones. Worth them unnecessarily torturing rabbits and baby monkeys. Just for you.
Buy them all:
To make the customer loyal to the brand, words are used that make you want to buy more of their products. Series, therapy, programme, collection: these words make you feel that the products complete each other, and yet each does a specialised task. The name of the entire collection tells you what results you get when usingall of the products: Diamonds-and-Platinum Reflex Therapy. Even thinking of another brand will spoil that shining effect.
So, how to choose cosmetics ?
- Don't even read product descriptions.
- Learn to read labels. It's not as hard as it sounds. Quite soon you'll know that anything with SLS, alcohol denat and petroleum is bad, and that a simpler ingredient list is usually the best.
- Research online. For reviews try MakeupAlley, for ingredient safety go to Skin Deep.
- Don't underestimate stuff you can make yourself, in your home lab or in your kitchen.
Got any favourite product description that you love to laugh at ? Do you watch Telemarketing just for the laughs ?